It’s funny how things go. I’m sitting here at 2am in my dressing gown, unable to sleep because I am so wound up. This is despite having a thoroughly relaxed and enjoyable day. Today we had a full-day (well, 11-5) rehearsal where we worked through an R&B medley that we will be performing in
The good mood evaporated, however, when I came to check my email after dinner.
It’s a really a story of how gay men excel at petty personal-politics. Regular readers will know that I serve on the Steering Committee of the London Gay Men’s Chorus. Last summer, before I joined the committee, there were accusations made against the conduct of one of the committee members by some of the other committee members. The issue was, in my opinion, very badly handled at the time and I said so.
Unfortunately this opinion of mine seems to have tainted the Committee’s perception of me such that, when I came to join the Committee at the start of this year, I was perceived as being out for revenge. While I wondered at the frosty reception my ideas and proposals met, I viewed it simply as the teething problems of a newcomer settling into an established team. It wasn’t until a month or so into the job when this suspicion erupted into a diatribe from a colleague, accusing me of being out to undermine and destabilise everything and everyone that I realised that there was maybe a little bit more to it.
I made a full and frank statement about my intentions and views and made assurances all-round that I wasn’t trying to destabilise anything – after all I enjoy the singing and camaraderie of the Chorus too! Things settled down mostly, although there seemed to be a lingering suspicion from at least one member.
Tonight (well Sunday morning, to be precise, but I only read them this evening) the lingering bad feeling leaked out into a couple of emails which could almost be described as poison-pen letters! One of them picking holes in, and generally criticising, one of my pet projects and another having a go at me in particular and the committee I run in general.
It was all very negative and most of it was unfounded and/or hyperbole which I was able to refute fairly easily and did so. Now I find myself peculiarly numb to the whole thing and yet still unable to sleep. This incident is definitely the straw that has broken the camel’s back. I no longer feel a desire to give anything to the Chorus and am in it now purely for the selfish enjoyment I get out of the singing and performing. I am going to do no more committee work – which will hardly be missed as the AGM is in two weeks – and I have resigned my other role of managing the Chorus’ message groups. The respect I had for the work and achievements of our long-serving chairman has now been totally eroded and I find that I really don’t like the man.
It’s a shame, because the LGMC is such a worthwhile group to be involved with. It is great fun and a great community – for the most part(!). I’ve never been good with politics and have always preferred being straightforward with people. Perhaps that’s where it all went wrong: A naïve assumption that people would take me at face-value – or at least give me the benefit of the doubt until I proved myself one way or the other. Well, I got my fingers burned on that one.
The worst thing about all of the above is that it’s now April 4th, which is the anniversary of Simon’s death, and I’d planned to spend this evening blogging about our relationship and his life and death but instead it’s been spent fuming and angry about something which I find I no longer care about. I really need to sort my priorities out.
Well, now that I’ve gotten the Chorus issue out of my system (but into my blog,) I can maybe go back to bed and remember happier times as a student in Dundee, spending days on the beach and in the park with my friends and with my surrogate little brother, whom I miss deeply to this day. Especially on this day.
1 comment:
Liam, I was so sorry and upset to read this account. It sounds like the damage is irreperable, so please let me thank you in my insignificant capacity for all you've done for the Chorus. It is such a shame that people are treated this way when all they are doing is trying to help the Chorus progress.
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